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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23322403">An Uneven Symmetry</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/babel/pseuds/babel'>babel</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Divergence, Enemies to Lovers, M/M, Mirror Universe, Possibly Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 16:07:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,724</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23322403</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/babel/pseuds/babel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>McCoy finds himself stranded alone in the mirror universe after the events of Mirror, Mirror.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Mirror Spock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Stranded</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"In every revolution, there's one man with a vision," Kirk said.</p>
<p>McCoy stood next to him on the transporter pad, counting down the seconds in his head. Soon, he would be back in his own universe. Soon, he could leave all of this behind.</p>
<p>"Captain Kirk," Spock--this twisted version of Spock--said in his monotone voice. "I shall consider it."</p>
<p>Finally, Spock activated the transporter. McCoy closed his eyes. He didn't usually find that transporter sound comforting, far from it, but at this moment, it sounded like home. He waited for the disorienting feeling of his molecules being taken apart and put back together.</p>
<p>But that feeling didn't come.</p>
<p>He opened his eyes. The man at the transporter controls was not his Spock. Even if he didn't have a beard and a different uniform, he would never have mistaken a man with that cold, distant stare for the Spock he knew.</p>
<p>"Mister Spock?" Kirk said, next to him. </p>
<p>Something had gone wrong with the transporter. They were all still here. They'd need to find another way out. He turned to Kirk, his mouth open to speak to him, but then he saw him. Kirk's lips were curled in a snarl. He stalked toward Spock as if he might kill him.</p>
<p>Marlena spoke. "Captain. You're back."</p>
<p>Kirk turned his glare toward her. It didn't soften. "You had something to do with this?"</p>
<p>"You heard what that other Spock said," Uhura said smoothly as she stepped off of the transporter pad with Scott. "It was the ion storm. Neither Spock nor Marlena has the courage to pull something like that off."</p>
<p>"Aye," Scott added. "I'll be digging through the works of this ship to find a way to make sure it never happens again."</p>
<p>"You'd better, Mister Scott," Kirk said through clenched teeth. "I want to know exactly what happened. <i>I</i> don't trust that other Spock."</p>
<p>"Sir," Scott said tersely. Both he and Uhura took their opportunity to leave.</p>
<p>Spock finally spoke, "Captain, there have been some developments in your absence. Mister Sulu and several of his accomplices have been killed in an attempted mutiny."</p>
<p>McCoy shuttered . He had watched Sulu's men disappear out of existence... Then, he'd watched Spock shoot the unconscious Sulu with a phaser before dragging McCoy to the transporter room.</p>
<p>Kirk chuckled grimly. "That's a shame. He saw his opportunity to climb ranks without the right <i>me</i> here to stop him. A man with that kind of drive is an asset <i>and</i> a risk..." He glanced back to the transporter pad where McCoy still stood, frozen. He shook his head and looked at Spock again. "See to your man. He appears <i>rattled</i> by the experience. I'm going to my bridge."</p>
<p>Kirk nodded to Marlena and she followed him. Behind his back, she shared a look with Spock, then they were gone.</p>
<p>"Attend me, Doctor," Spock said.</p>
<p>McCoy hesitated. He kept expecting for the sound of the transporters to return and for this world to disappear around him. </p>
<p>But it didn't, and this world's Spock was waiting.</p>
<p>He stepped off of the teleporter pad, his legs shaking, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. "Spock..."</p>
<p>"Attend me," Spock repeated, with a force that frightened McCoy into silence. </p>
<p>Spock led him out of the transporter room and through the corridors and the turbolift to his quarters. Spock entered, then paused when McCoy remained in the corridor.</p>
<p>"Doctor..." Spock said, in a low tone that did not sound anything like Spock. "I am aware that you have had a trying day. However, you will not deny my orders." He paused, then added in a quieter, less dangerous voice. "We will speak once we are alone."</p>
<p>What choice did he have? He wanted answers, and this time, he had no one from his own universe at his side. He stepped into Spock's quarters, and the door slid shut behind him.</p>
<p>He crossed his arms over his chest. Spock immediately went to work on a comm screen behind a hidden panel in his wall. After a moment, the black screen came to life with an image of Spock himself, working at his desk.</p>
<p>"This is what the Captain will see if he happens to look in on us. He will not hear our voices," Spock said.</p>
<p>"So... you know?"</p>
<p>Spock turned toward him and narrowed his eyes. "The pad you were standing on seems to have malfunctioned. I noticed, but I thought it would be best to conceal the truth from the Captain. I doubt he would have let you live."</p>
<p>"There's got to be a way to fix it. A way to send me back."</p>
<p>Spock moved toward him, and McCoy's entire body tensed. He wanted to move away, but he knew there was no point. He was a doctor; he knew better than anybody just how strong Spock was. He also knew how ruthless this Spock could be when necessary. He'd seen glimpses of things during their mind meld that he would never be able to forget.</p>
<p>"The time window has passed. I will attempt to find another way to send you to your universe, but I cannot promise you that I will succeed. In the meantime, you will have to learn to improve your ability to fit into this universe. With the real Captain back, you cannot be as flagrant about your differences as you were before."</p>
<p>"You saw into my mind," McCoy said, keeping his voice as even as he could manage. His heart was beating so hard he could barely breathe. "And I saw into yours. I don't think it's going to be very easy for me to fit in, do you?"</p>
<p>"You saw what I allowed you to see. There are things you do not know." He lifted an eyebrow in a way that was unsettlingly familiar. "The McCoy from my universe would not have survived to this point without my protection. He is mine, the way that Marlena is the Captain's. The others know that, if they harm you, I will harm them."</p>
<p>McCoy stared at him, his stomach twisting as the pieces fell into place. "That's why Jim-- the Captain called me your man."</p>
<p>"Correct. Because of that, I will be able to keep you removed from the rest of the crew for a time. If I decide that you are unable to carry out your duties in sickbay due to your experience in the other universe, no one will question it if M'Benga takes your place as CMO temporarily. You will have to learn quickly, however, because I cannot keep you from your duties for good. There is a limit to the extent the Captain will allow you to be inoperative."</p>
<p>"You're going to keep me <i>here</i>? In your quarters?" McCoy asked, looking around Spock's quarters. He had rarely seen Spock's quarters on his own Enterprise. He couldn't remember the details now. He couldn't tell how much of it was different. It certainly seemed devoid of the distinct <i>Vulcanness</i> that McCoy had felt the times he'd been there. "Listen... I know I don't have any room to make demands or anything, but. Where I'm from, one person can't belong to another person. I'm not <i>yours</i>, and I'm not interested in doing... whatever it is you used to do with your version of me."</p>
<p>Spock tilted his head slightly. "Are you not? As I said, Doctor. I have seen into your mind." Spock moved closer still, so that their bodies were almost touching, but his hands were still clasped behind his back. "I know your feelings toward the Spock from your side."</p>
<p>McCoy swallowed thickly. "Well, that puts you one up on me," he muttered.</p>
<p>"I will not force you, if that is your concern." He paused. "I never had to force <i>him</i> either."</p>
<p>A shiver ran down McCoy's spine, and he cast his eyes down, away from Spock's penetrating gaze. "You said I needed to fit in. How, exactly, are you planning to do that?"</p>
<p>"I have a PADD which is unconnected to the computer's system, and will not be traced." Spock finally drew away from him and retrieved the PADD from a locked drawer in his desk. "It includes your counterpart's personnel file, with some additional notes. It also includes information about your crewmates and the Terran Empire, which will be necessary for you to know thoroughly."</p>
<p>He handed the PADD to McCoy. He took it reluctantly. Their fingers brushed each other, and McCoy jerked the PADD away.</p>
<p>"As I'm sure you're aware," Spock said. "Vulcans rarely need sleep, even half-breeds like myself. You may use the bed when you require it. Whenever you are studying the PADD, you must sit in the seat near the chess board. There is a blind spot. You will keep the PADD in the compartment here." Spock moved to the chess board and bent down to reveal a small alcove hidden behind a panel beneath the chair. He straightened again. McCoy realized that he was waiting, and he went to the alcove and slid the PADD inside. "I must report for duty on the bridge. I'm sure the Captain is not in the best of moods."</p>
<p>"I bet he's not," McCoy said. </p>
<p>Spock leaned down close to McCoy's ear. "Assume you are always being watched. I insist that you be wary. Do not trust anyone. I do not wish for you to be destroyed, but I will not protect you if you are found out."</p>
<p>Spock went to the screen with the image of him at his desk and turned it off, then he left. McCoy didn't draw another breath until Spock was gone and the doors were shut behind him.</p>
<hr/>
<p>McCoy had paced the entirety of Spock's quarters, trying to think of something, <i>anything</i> he could do. He only knew enough physics to get by. He knew next to nothing about engineering. If Spock or Scott were there, they would be able to figure out some genius solution, but these versions? </p>
<p>Kirk--<i>his</i> Kirk--had said that this Spock was very similar to theirs, and McCoy would've agreed until the mind meld. This Spock had broken into his mind, forced his way into his thoughts, and he'd found things in there that McCoy could barely let himself acknowledge.</p>
<p><i>I know your feelings toward Spock.</i> He'd said the words so easily, as if it were nothing. As if those feelings hadn't kept McCoy awake at night more than once. As if McCoy hadn't had to shut down parts of himself to keep it from getting in the way of his work. As if Spock's obvious lack of interest hadn't twisted McCoy up inside, made him feel like a fool and a child.</p>
<p>But there <i>were</i> similarities between this Spock and the one McCoy knew, weren't there? There had to be. Was it just that this is what Spock would be if he were born into a world as heartless as this one?</p>
<p>And if that was the case, maybe McCoy could reach him. Maybe he really <i>would</i> try to find a way to send him back. He was in what passed as a relationship in this world with the other McCoy. Surely he wanted him back...</p>
<p>McCoy wished he were sure, but he wasn't.</p>
<p>He chased his own thoughts in circles, always coming to the same conclusion. Either Spock would help him get home, or he was stuck here for good. And even if Spock did help him, there was no knowing how long it would take.</p>
<p>There was only one thing McCoy could do now, and it was the thing he'd been avoiding.</p>
<p>He went to the chess board and sat in the chair next to it. He took a deep breath, then leaned down to pull out the PADD.</p>
<p>He found the personnel file--his own face maybe ten years younger on the profile, just like his own personnel file back home--and began to read.</p>
<p>Before he'd gotten far, the door chimed. His heart leapt and he scrambled to shove the PADD back into its hiding place. Then, he sat still for a long moment, not sure what to do. Perhaps whoever it was would give up after a minute, thinking no one was there.</p>
<p>No such luck. The door chimed again.</p>
<p>McCoy got to his feet and pressed the button near the door that he'd seen Spock press when he left. Of course the doors here would be locked by default.</p>
<p>Marlena didn't wait for McCoy to say anything, she shoved her way into Spock's quarters. "I need to talk to you, and I don't know how long he'll be on the bridge. He won't be listening to us as long as he's on the bridge."</p>
<p>"You mean Kirk?" McCoy asked.</p>
<p>She swung around, her eyes narrowed with anger. "Kirk? You were in that <i>soft</i> universe too long, weren't you? You will call him <i>Captain</i>. You may have rank, but you're still nothing more than the First Officer's man. In every way that matters, I outrank you, and I will not have you speaking his name."</p>
<p>McCoy clenched his jaw, fighting his own impulses and staying quiet. He just nodded.</p>
<p>"Yes, I mean the Captain," Marlena continued. "That... other Captain who was here... There were things he said to Commander Spock. Dangerous things."</p>
<p>"They were strange people," McCoy said haltingly. Spock had been right about one thing; he would need to know more about who his counterpart was if he was going to fit in here. "With strange ideas."</p>
<p>Marlena approached him and grabbed the front of his uniform. "I need to know what side you fall on."</p>
<p>His heart was thumping hard again. "I stand with Spock," he said. "I'm the First Officer's man, right?"</p>
<p>"And what if he stands against the Captain?"</p>
<p>McCoy didn't have to think about that answer, "Spock wouldn't do that."</p>
<p>"You weren't here. You didn't hear what he said." she hissed. "Things have changed."</p>
<p>"Things don't change that fast," McCoy said. But he <i>had</i> been there. He knew that some kind of seed had been planted. Spock wasn't the only one Kirk had influenced. "What about you?"</p>
<p>She jerked him forward, baring her teeth. "I stand with the Captain."</p>
<p>McCoy found himself grinning, even though fear churned inside of him. "Which Captain's that? This one or the other one?"</p>
<p>They were both still for a long time, danger vibrating between them. He knew this woman was capable of murder and worse. He'd seen her blink people out of existence with that weapon in the Captain's quarters.</p>
<p>"You've gotten brave, Doctor," she said.</p>
<p>With a courage of a mouse cornered by a cat, he said,"And you've gotten scared. Now, why's that?"</p>
<p>She finally released him, shoving him back a couple of steps. "Spock wouldn't get anywhere as long as I'm in his way. I'm the one who protects the Captain, more than any of his security officers," she said and, for a moment, the mask of rage disappeared from her face, and he saw something even more fierce underneath it. "Remember that."</p>
<p>She left him there, alone in Spock's quarters, more confused than he'd been when she'd arrived.</p>
<hr/>
<p>When Spock returned to his quarters hours later, McCoy was back by the chess board with the PADD in his hands. Spock silently walked to the hidden comm screen on his wall and turned on the false image of him at his desk.</p>
<p>"According to my reports, you allowed someone into my quarters," he said. "Who was it?"</p>
<p>McCoy looked up at him. He felt dazed and slightly ill from what he'd been reading about his counterpart. The personnel file was bad enough, but the notes Spock had added...</p>
<p>"You have reports on people coming into your quarters?" McCoy asked.</p>
<p>"An illogical question. I obviously do. Who did you allow into my quarters?"</p>
<p>"Marlena," he said.</p>
<p>Spock's chest rose and fell with a deep breath. "Doctor, you should not have done that."</p>
<p>"She seemed like she wanted to help you back in the transporter room."</p>
<p>"She was attempting to win the favor of your Captain. Furthermore, if she were to discover that you are not from this universe, she could use it as leverage against me."</p>
<p>"I didn't get the impression that she was here to get leverage on you. I think she was here to feel me out."</p>
<p>Spock lifted his chin. "Explain."</p>
<p>"She thinks I'm from this side, and from what I saw on this," he held up the PADD, "he's a real piece of work. Willing to do anything to protect himself. Now, if she thinks I'm him, and she knows you've got this thought in your head about becoming some kind of revolutionary, I'm dangerous, right? I turn on you and tell your Captain what you're thinking of, <i>that's</i> leverage. And if she's thinking about joining up with you to get rid of him? I'm the gum in the works."</p>
<p>Spock frowned thoughtfully, the way the other Spock sometimes did when he was forced to admit McCoy was right. "A reasonable hypothesis. Did she say anything that led you to believe this was the case?"</p>
<p>"She said she's the one who protects the Captain. Kind of gave me the impression she's the one who can make sure he's <i>not</i> protected just as easily."</p>
<p>"Perhaps..." Spock folded his arms. "I see that you have been doing your research."</p>
<p>McCoy squeezed the bridge of his nose. He was exhausted. All he wanted was to go to sleep and wake up in his own quarters in his own universe. He wanted to go through his day like he always did. Chat with Chapel in the sickbay. Check in with the bridge. Do a little reading after his shift.</p>
<p>"Yeah. I've been reading about this guy with my name and face. Not much else that's like me. I don't know how the hell you think I'm going to fool anyone."</p>
<p>"Did you fool Marlena?"</p>
<p>"She said I sounded 'brave' so maybe not."</p>
<p>Spock shook his head. "She was likely highlighting her lack of respect for you, due to your usual lack of bravery. Due to the nature of our hierarchical system, the women and men of the Captain and First Officer are often at odds. Questioning your courage is a typical tactic, particularly to level against a man."</p>
<p>"Why particularly a man?"</p>
<p>"Terrans tend to define their gender by what they consider to be normative social behaviors. Lacking bravery would be considered an undesirable and feminine trait in a man."</p>
<p>McCoy stared at Spock incredulously. "You're telling me that Marlena doesn't think <i>she's</i> brave?"</p>
<p>"She likely does, but a Terran woman exhibiting some masculine traits is not seen as negative, depending, of course, on the trait in question. Crudeness, for example, would not be a masculine trait a Terran woman would want to exhibit."</p>
<p>"This is ridiculous." McCoy shook his head. There was too much to learn about this world he was trapped in, and half of it didn't make any damned sense. "In my world, that kind of thinking went out hundreds of years ago among Humans. It's pre-warp backwards unscientific nonsense. It's..." McCoy noticed that Spock was watching him, and something about it made his skin crawl. "What?"</p>
<p>"I was contemplating that your disgust with this concept, and the differences between the Terrans here and in your world, may explain the disparities in your personality and the Doctor McCoy from this universe."</p>
<p>McCoy frowned. "What do you mean by that?"</p>
<p>"He is not considered typically masculine. Being mine, for example, calls his masculinity into question. Particularly given that he allows himself to be dominated by someone who is not fully Terran. But there are other traits which you share--your sentimentality, your tendency not to hide your fear, your talkativeness, your posture, your--"</p>
<p>"My <i>posture</i>?"</p>
<p>"If you are concerned that this will be difficult for you to imitate, I have observed that your general behavior does not significantly differ from your counterpart."</p>
<p>"Doesn't significantly differ? I've read this." He shook the PADD. "This bastard doesn't give a shit about anybody or anything. All he does is survive. The only reason he got into medicine was to make himself too useful to kill, and even then... if somebody with power over him tells him to let someone die, he'll let them die."</p>
<p>"You, too, have allowed someone to die."</p>
<p>That took the breath out of McCoy, as sure as a punch to the gut. This Spock knew more about him than most of his closest friends, and he turned it into a weapon. "What happened back then was <i>not</i> the same."</p>
<p>"I do not mean to offend you, Doctor. I only meant that you have done things you regret for reasons that seemed logical at the time. The McCoy in this world has done the same. I don't believe that the basis of your personality is any different than his."</p>
<p>"What about you?" McCoy stuffed the PADD back in its hidden compartment and got to his feet. He stood close to Spock, even though the man terrified him. "Do you want to hear about <i>your</i> counterpart? You want to know how <i>you</i> measure up?"</p>
<p>"You forget, Doctor. I have seen the other Spock through your mind."</p>
<p>McCoy ignored him. "He thinks of everyone before himself. I've seen him ready to die for the greater good more times than I want to think about. He's loyal, but not the way you're loyal. All you want to do is uphold this system that's destroying all of you. You haven't killed your captain, not because you're loyal, but because you don't know what you'd do if you didn't have someone giving you orders. You don't know who you'd be if you only had your own conscience to answer for. My Spock does. I don't always agree with him, but he always does what he believes is right from inside himself, not because someone told him."</p>
<p>Spock watched him for a long moment, then asked, "Are you finished, Doctor?"</p>
<p>"No... but you can add something if you want."</p>
<p>"You are correct," Spock said.</p>
<p>McCoy wasn't sure what he'd expected Spock to say, but it wasn't that. "What do you mean I'm correct?"</p>
<p>"I have not sought the captain's chair, because I have not wanted to take on the responsibility of command, nor did I believe that I was suited to the task. I am only half Terran. While I have inherited the physical fortitude of my father's race, I have also inherited his weaknesses."</p>
<p>McCoy raised an eyebrow. "What weaknesses are those?"</p>
<p>"Vulcans have a history of being conquered, Doctor, not of being conquerors. My mother told me stories of great Terran conquests, of rulers like Alexander the Great and Empress Sato the First, but my father..." Spock's expression became tense, as if speaking of his father disgusted him. "When she was otherwise occupied, he told me stories of Vulcan before we found the Terrans, when there was peace."</p>
<p>"And you think peace is a weakness?"</p>
<p>"Do you know what it is to be a conquered people, Doctor McCoy? Having looked into your mind, I don't believe that you <i>could</i>."</p>
<p>McCoy gritted his teeth. His skin felt cold when he thought of Spock forcing his way into his mind. "If you saw into my mind, you'd know I'd rather be conquered than become another Alexander of Macedonia."</p>
<p>"That is why," Spock said slowly, "I need you. I considered it during my shift. With your medical ability and your vast knowledge of your Earth's history, which was evident even in the brief moment I touched your thoughts, I believe you would be well suited to... advising me."</p>
<p>"Advising you? To do what?"</p>
<p>Spock stood straight, his eyes focused in the middle distance. "I plan to kill Captain Kirk, take control of the Enterprise, and shift the future of the Terran Empire." He settled his gaze on McCoy again. "Would you be willing to aid me?"</p>
<p>McCoy stared at him for a long moment. He whispered, more to himself than to Spock, "Kill Captain Kirk..."</p>
<p>"I know it would be difficult for you. You saved me because of my resemblance to your Spock... However, I assure you, this James Kirk is nothing like yours."</p>
<p>"You don't have to assure me of anything. I've seen the way your Captain runs this ship. I know he's nothing like my Jim. But if you're going to look for my help, you need to accept that there might be a different way to handle things."</p>
<p>Spock raised an eyebrow, the same way the Spock McCoy knew sometimes did when he thought he was indulging his illogical shipmate. </p>
<p>"We don't kill him. That's my condition. I'll help, but we don't kill him."</p>
<p>"Doctor," Spock said, "Rest, then finish reading the information in your PADD, particularly information about the Captain. Then, we will see if you still believe there is another way."</p>
<p>McCoy looked back toward Spock's bed, then looked at Spock. "If I sleep in here, you'll stay away from me, right?"</p>
<p>Spock blinked, seemingly surprised by the question. "Of course, Doctor."</p>
<p>"Right," he said softly. All the anger and fear that had been keeping him going was draining away into exhaustion. He didn't know what was next, and he didn't know how to figure it out now. He watched Spock go back to the panel in his wall and turn off the false image, then sit at his desk. </p>
<p>McCoy went behind the divider and crawled onto the bed, fully dressed. He stared at the ceiling for a long time, some telling himself that, when he woke up, he would be home.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Plan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>McCoy is forced to return to his duties in the mirror universe medbay.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Doctor McCoy to the bridge."</p><p>McCoy's skin went cold. He'd been hidden away in Spock's quarters for three days, spending most of his time studying the information on the PADD. He was starting to be able to detach himself from what he was reading, to distance the words on the screen from reality, just as he did when he read about the more disturbing aspects of his own Earth's history.</p><p>But that was just when he was looking at it on a screen. He wasn't sure how he'd react to it face to face. </p><p>There was no choice though. Uhura's steely voice left no room for argument. He tied on the absurd sash these Terran's wore and made his way to the bridge.</p><p>The turbolift doors opened and he took a deep breath before he stepped out. Like every other part of this ship, he wished it looked less familiar. He wished he didn't recognize everyone there. He wished that they didn't look like his friends.</p><p>Kirk turned his head slightly toward McCoy then motioned for him to approach the captain's chair. Marlena stood next to him, leaning against the back of the chair as McCoy often did in his own universe, but there was none of the casualness or friendliness. It was all posturing. That place gave her power. She wasn't there to be close to Kirk.</p><p>McCoy stood before the captain. He kept his hands behind his back, gripping his wrist to try to steady himself.</p><p>"You called for me, sir?"</p><p>Kirk grinned without any charm. "I did, didn't I? It was my understanding that you are my chief medical officer."</p><p>"Yes, sir."</p><p>"Spock," Kirk called back to the science station. Slowly, Spock turned his chair to face them. "Could you remind me where the chief medical officer of a ship generally spends his time?"</p><p>Spock raised an eyebrow, but he indulged the question. "During his shift, his post is typically in the medical bay, sir, unless he is called to bridge duty"</p><p>"Ah, yes. You know, I wasn't sure, since it's been so long since I've called down to the medical bay and heard Doctor McCoy respond."</p><p>The others on the bridge were smirking, stealing glances at the captain. They were anticipating something that made McCoy's stomach turn.</p><p>"He is weak," Marlena's voice broke the tension. "The time on the other Enterprise disturbed him."</p><p>Kirk and Marlena laughed together. Whatever plans Kirk may have had to punish him for avoiding his duties were put aside... or perhaps saved for a later date.</p><p>"Commander Spock," Kirk said between laughs. "Why don't you escort your man to his post. He may have forgotten where it was."</p><p>Spock was still for a moment, then he got to his feet. "Attend me, Doctor."</p><p>Before McCoy could move, Kirk grabbed the front of his uniform. "Your reprieve is over. Do not neglect your duty again."</p><p>"I won't, sir," McCoy said. He allowed his fear to shake his voice. Spock's notes on his personnel file had mentioned several times that he had little control over his fear.</p><p>Kirk chuckled and let him go. "Dismissed, Doctor."</p><p>McCoy gripped his wrist tighter, but he nodded and joined Spock on the turbolift.</p><p>When the doors slid shut, Spock spoke in a low, even tone. "I would have warned you, but his mood was... elevated today. I did not have an opportunity to contact you."</p><p>McCoy glanced at him. He knew that there was no way to speak openly here. Anything they said could be overheard or recorded.</p><p>"Anything I should know before I get there?" he asked.</p><p>Spock's attention was fixed forward, away from McCoy. "The Captain decided to take my advice. We have imprisoned the Halkans and taken a few onto the ship to... study."</p><p>McCoy narrowed his eyes at Spock, but the turbolift doors opened onto the corridor. They walked together toward the medbay. </p><p>"I guess you determined imprisonment was better than destruction," he whispered.</p><p>Spock did not respond. He stopped at the entrance to the medbay and turned to him. </p><p>"I am sure that Doctor M'Benga will give you whatever details you require. I must return to the bridge."</p><p>They held each other's gaze for a moment, and McCoy was sure he saw something... pity, perhaps. It seemed impossible. Even from his own Spock, it would be unlikely, but this one? </p><p>If it <i>was</i> pity, there wasn't time to know for sure. Spock turned and left him there. He took a deep breath and headed into the medbay.</p><p>The place was too familiar, too much like his own medbay where he spent most of his days. But there was no mistaking it for the place he knew. Half of the biobeds were filled with people--he recognized them as Halkans--strapped down with restraints. They were all in various states of ill health.</p><p>Doctor M'Benga was standing over one of them when he looked up. Nurse Chapel was next to him. There was a sinking feeling inside McCoy. This was a trial by fire. If there were two people on this ship who likely knew the other McCoy best, it would be them. </p><p>"You're back," M'Benga said, smirking viciously. "The nurses and I were placing bets on whether or not you were gone for good."</p><p>"Looks like you've been keeping busy without me," McCoy said. He was trying to ignore the way Chapel was glaring at him. Spock had left notes in the personnel files. She had apparently made attempts at becoming Spock's woman, which Spock had rejected. Surely she wouldn't be heartbroken if McCoy never returned.</p><p>M'Benga shrugged. "The Captain changed his mind about destroying the Halkans. Of course, he killed some to send a message, but I convinced him to let us take a few as prisoners."</p><p>McCoy felt numb as he stepped closer to the biobed. The Halkan M'Benga stood over was nearly dead, but was clearly being kept conscious. Sweat was beading on his brow, his pupils were dilated, he was shaking. When McCoy was close enough, the Halkan looked up at him. He could see the desperation on the Halkan's face. Perhaps he still had hope that an unfamiliar person might help him.</p><p>"For what purpose? They seem..." McCoy swallowed thickly. Allowing himself to be caught wouldn't do any good for this Halkan or any other. If he could just get through his shift, maybe he could convince Spock to do something. He forced the words from his mouth, "They seem worthless."</p><p>M'Benga chuckled. "Have a little imagination, Doctor McCoy. I've been testing drug interactions on this one. He's survived seven cardiac arrests since he's been here. They're a hearty species! But he'll be dead soon, and free for you to cut up. I know that's your favorite part." </p><p>The Halkan whimpered and closed his eyes. Whatever hope he'd had that McCoy might save him had been extinguished.</p><p>"Doctor," McCoy said slowly. "Mind staying on a while longer while Nurse Chapel gets me up to speed with the rest of our... patients?"</p><p>"Of course," M'Benga turned a hypospray in his hands. "I'm enjoying myself."</p><p>McCoy nodded, unable to manage some quip his counterpart may have interjected. He hoped that they would believe he was still recovering from his time away, but he couldn't rely on that forever. He motioned for Chapel to join him in his office.</p>
<hr/><p>McCoy's hands were rubbed raw from washing them again and again. He finally made his way to Spock's quarters, a few hours after his shift had ended. He'd stayed late, trying to decrease the suffering of the Halkans as much as he could without being noticed. The one M'Benga had been testing medications on had died. There had been too much damage to his organs for McCoy to do anything but make sure that the last medication was a strong analgesic.</p><p>Spock was already sitting at his desk when McCoy arrived. McCoy stayed close to the door, staring at him, waiting. Eventually Spock got up and turned on his protective screen.</p><p>"Doctor..." Spock began.</p><p>"No, I need you to be quiet," McCoy said in a low voice. "I'm not doing this. I can't stand there and do nothing while my staff tortures innocent people. I would rather get caught and put to death than go back to that medbay."</p><p>Spock moved toward him, listening closely. He took one of McCoy's hands and lifted it, inspecting the reddened skin. "You have injured yourself."</p><p>"I'll break both my hands if that's what it takes to keep me from going back."</p><p>"You are being illog--"</p><p>"Don't. Do <i>not</i> say that to me right now." He wanted to jerk his hand away from Spock, but something stopped him. "Doctor M'Benga said it was your idea to take prisoners."</p><p>"Not precisely. It was my idea to spare the planet. Approximately half of its people now survive."</p><p>"Survive as servants to the Terran Empire, you mean."</p><p>Spock inclined his head. "It was the best outcome possible. The Captain would not be persuaded to leave them untouched."</p><p>"And that's the best we can do? Half of a planet dead, and I'm supposed to be grateful they're not <i>all</i> dead? I'm supposed to be grateful to do autopsies on people who would've been perfectly healthy if they'd never come into my medbay?"</p><p>"No," Spock said. He pressed his thumb against McCoy's palm, and it made McCoy shiver. There was something gentle in the touch that forced the tense muscles in his hand to relax. "We must remove the Captain from command."</p><p>"And you think the only way to do that is to kill him? Another death on top of all the rest of them."</p><p>"One death which will save millions."</p><p>"I've heard that argument before," McCoy said bitterly. </p><p>"Do you have a different one?"</p><p>"You're damn right I do," McCoy said with more conviction than he felt. "If... If I could get close enough to him for a hypospray. Knock him out. I could even make him seem dead to the others, and we could drop him off at some planet; no one would know."</p><p>Spock finally released McCoy's hand, but then he took the other and began to massage it as well. "You will not get that close."</p><p>"What about Marlena?"</p><p>Spock raised an eyebrow. "You are willing to trust her to that extent?"</p><p>"I could try talking to her again." McCoy frowned. "Why are you doing that?"</p><p>Spock glanced down at their hands, as if he hadn't been aware of his own actions. "I... have found that you--that your counterpart--is soothed by this after a long shift."</p><p>"Well, I'm not him."</p><p>"I apologize." Spock let go of his hand and drew back. "You should get some rest."</p><p>"I mean it," McCoy said. "I can't go back to that medbay."</p><p>"Would it be acceptable to return if the Halkans were removed?"</p><p>McCoy furrowed his brow. "What do you plan to do with them?"</p><p>"I will report to the Captain that M'Benga has been wasting time on them. That they should be put in the brig instead, to present to the Emperor as prisoners of war."</p><p>"They'll be killed," McCoy said."</p><p>"It will buy them some time. We will not see the Emperor again for months."</p><p>McCoy swallowed thickly. "And you can do that without drawing suspicion to yourself?"</p><p>"I would not offer to do it if I couldn't."</p><p>"All right..." McCoy said slowly.</p><p>"You should rest," Spock said again. "I can help you, if you would like."</p><p>"What do you mean, 'help me'?"</p><p>"I suspect that you, like your counterpart, sometimes suffer from insomnia, particularly at times of high stress."</p><p>McCoy wanted to argue that he wasn't anything like that other McCoy who ran his medbay like a butcher shop... but he couldn't.</p><p>"When necessary," Spock continued, "I help him calm his mind. It keeps him from overusing sleeping medicines, which can leave him groggy and incapable of performing his duties... or protecting himself."</p><p>"Calm my mind?" McCoy asked. "You mean... use your telepathy on me again, don't you? No thanks."</p><p>"It is not like a mind meld. I would not have access to your thoughts."</p><p>"You expect me to trust you?" McCoy asked. "I'm already putting more faith in you than you've given me any reason to. I don't want you anywhere near my mind again."</p><p>Spock furrowed his brow, his dark eyes shining in a way that made the fear rise up in McCoy again. He was like a coiled snake ready to strike, and there was nothing McCoy could do but wait.</p><p>Slowly, Spock took a deep breath, then returned to his screen. "Rest," he said, with all the weight of an order.</p><p>McCoy went to Spock's bed and laid on his side, staring at the wall across from him and listening to the sound of Spock working for hours before he finally fell into a light sleep.</p>
<hr/><p>The Halkans were gone from the medbay when McCoy returned for his next shift. M'Benga was also gone. He overheard the nurses talking about how he'd been put in an agony booth for a few hours.</p><p>The shift was better, but not easy. There were many injuries on a ship like this. The crew fought amongst themselves, and his staff had their allegiances. Sometimes they would help him treat a patient, and sometimes they'd make things worse, and McCoy only had the barest notion of who was on which side. Personnel files and Spock's intuition could only tell him so much. There were things that Spock couldn't see, either because they were hidden from him or because he had a limited understanding of Terran behavior. </p><p>McCoy didn't feel that <i>he</i> understood Terran behavior either. They all seemed to work against each other or, if they had taken sides together, they only worked together for as long as it would benefit them. It was exhausting. The only thing McCoy was beginning to be certain of was that none of his staff felt any loyalty to <i>him</i>. He outranked them and he was the man of the First Officer. They tolerated him for that reason. If he were to die tomorrow, none of them would care and some would celebrate.</p><p>He got away from the medbay during his lunch break and went to what was a recreation room on his Enterprise. Here, it seemed to be a training room. Mannequins lined the far wall, beaten and cut from hand-to-hand combat practice. Another wall had targets and gashes that seemed to have come from knives. </p><p>One of the patients had mentioned Marlena was there, and that she seemed angry. Part of him was relieved to find that she was still there, but the rest of him was terrified. She was attacking one of the mannequins. It twisted and swung at her and she slammed her fists into it, screaming with each strike. There was no one else in the training room. McCoy wondered if she'd scared them off.</p><p>McCoy approached cautiously and waited. She seemed not to notice him at first. She continued to punch the mannequin, landing scores that were recorded on a nearby screen. Finally, she pulled a knife from somewhere--too quickly for McCoy to see where--and jammed it into the mannequin's head, right between where the eyes would be.</p><p>She was breathing heavily when she turned to look at McCoy. "What do you want, Doctor?" </p><p>"I want to know if there's somewhere private I could talk to you."</p><p>Marlena lifted her eyebrows. "Somewhere private," she repeated with an edge of sarcasm. She wiped the back of her neck with a towel. "No such place in this whole universe."</p><p>"Maybe not," McCoy muttered. "I'd settle for something close to it."</p><p>She looked him up and down, then gestured for him to follow her. They headed down the corridor. He realized, as they went, where they were going, but he kept his mouth shut.</p><p>She stopped at the Captain's quarters, input a code into the panel on the wall, and led him inside. Thankfully, the room was empty.</p><p>"You're sure this is private?" McCoy asked.</p><p>"He doesn't bug his own quarters, if that's what you're asking. And I know how to erase the logs of who entered and exited." Marlena grinned wickedly. "Stay here. Do not look around the divider." She left him standing there. After a moment, he could hear her changing her clothes. "What do you want to talk about that's so important, Doctor?"</p><p>"I was thinking about what you said the other day. About how you protect the Captain."</p><p>She was quiet for a long moment. Finally, she reappeared from behind the divider in what passed for a uniform. "Were you?" she asked. Her voice was a low hum.</p><p>McCoy cleared his throat. "No one else can get as close to him as you can."</p><p>His heart was thumping hard in his chest as she inspected his face. "You <i>have</i> gotten braver, little man. What was that other Enterprise like? Everyone who went there is different. Everyone who met those others is different."</p><p>"You're one of the ones who spent time with the others. What do you think?"</p><p>She bared her teeth briefly. "I think they're poison."</p><p>"Are you sure we aren't the poison?" He asked. "Fighting tooth and nail against the cure?"</p><p>She leaned in close, so close he could feel the heat of her breath. "What do you want to say to me? Spit it out."</p><p>"You know he'll die soon, don't you?" McCoy asked. "You know someone will get him, sooner or later. He's too brash, too violent, too unpredictable. Someone will either want to take his place or decide that Spock would at least be rational."</p><p>Marlena slapped him hard across the face. So hard that he stumbled to the side. </p><p>He stood up straight again. His cheek was throbbing. "Get angry all you want, but you can't tell me I'm wrong. And if he's gone, what happens to you?"</p><p>"I'm loyal to my captain," she said through clenched teeth. </p><p>"Exactly. So you'll either die protecting him or, worse, you'll live. Do you have any allies on this ship? I know I don't, and I'm only the First Officer's man. You're the Captain's woman. How many people on this ship would like to see you humiliated?"</p><p>"Are you telling me this because you have a death wish, Doctor? I could kill you now and no one would care. Do you think Spock would? He has his replacements waiting in line after you."</p><p>"And so does the captain," McCoy spat back. "So why should you be loyal to him? I have another option. One that won't leave you alone and friendless once he's gone."</p><p>She narrowed her eyes at him. Slowly, she drew her dagger from a holster on her thigh. "Tell me quickly, or I'll put my practice this afternoon to good use."</p><p>"I give you a hypospray and you apply it to the Captain. Spock takes command, and you become his first officer."</p><p>Marlena stared at him. "You're lying," she said.</p><p>McCoy shook his head. "I talked to Spock about it this morning. He agrees that you would be a good choice for first officer. Scott is next in line, but Spock believes that Scott has little interest in command."</p><p>"There would be people on the ship who wouldn't like it," Marlena said.</p><p>"We'll convince them," McCoy said evenly. "One way or the other. That's how it works here, isn't it?"</p><p>Marlena moved away from him and stalked around the room. She threw her knife down on Kirk's desk and gripped the back of his chair, leaning against it. Her entire body was tense. </p><p>"This hypospray," she said. Her voice seemed too calm. "Will it kill him?"</p><p>McCoy wasn't sure what the right answer would be. "Does that matter to you?"</p><p>She dug her fingers into the back of the chair. "Answer."</p><p>"No," he said, deciding on the truth. "But he'll seem dead to anyone who checks. We'll leave him on a planet somewhere. It's not perfect, but at least he'll be able to live out the rest of his life. Maybe he'll even change."</p><p>Marlena scoffed. "He won't change. He'll never change. He'll spend the rest of his life on that planet plotting his revenge on us if we do this, and if he ever finds a way back to us, we'll probably want death by the time he gives it to us."</p><p>"Don't tell me you're not going to do it because you're afraid."</p><p>Marlena was quiet for a long moment, and then she began to laugh darkly. "I'm not afraid. What about you?"</p><p>"I am afraid," McCoy said. "I'm more afraid now than I've been in my whole life. But sometimes you have to choose between living with all the things you didn't do or coming up against your fear and facing it. I'm at a point that I'd rather face it."</p><p>She watched him crookedly, her eyes narrow. "You're trying to tell me you're not doing this so you'll become the Captain's man instead of just the First Officer's?"</p><p>McCoy's skin crawled, but he forced a wry smile. That was what he imagined his counterpart would do. "That doesn't hurt. But you'd have your own commission. You wouldn't have to rely on belonging to anybody."</p><p>"Can you believe that I didn't used to mind belonging to him?" she asked coldly. "I only saw his strength then..."</p><p>"No one would blame you for that."</p><p>"No, I guess they wouldn't. They'll blame me for this, though..." She wet her lips, then looked at him directly. "Be in the corridor by the mess hall at 1200 tomorrow with your hypospray. Then be on the bridge at 1500."</p><p>"The bridge?" he asked.</p><p>"If we're doing this, I want everyone involved to be there. I'm not doing this alone. I need you and Spock to have my back. You do know how to use a Type-1, don't you, Doctor?"</p><p>"Well enough," he said.</p><p>"Keep it on the highest setting. We can't know who is loyal enough to the Captain to die for him. I think there aren't many, but I wouldn't rely on that. Especially if they think that command is up for grabs."</p><p>McCoy clenched his jaw. He didn't want there to be a shoot out. He didn't want anyone to die. That was the point of all of this, wasn't it? </p><p>But she was right. He knew she was right. They all needed to be there when the time came.</p><p>"All right. It's agreed, then."</p><p>"Yes." She moved toward him again, quick, and grabbed the front of his uniform. "If you betray me, if I am not made first officer, you will die before I do."</p><p>"Yeah, I got the message," he said.</p><p>She let him go. "Leave now. He could be returning here soon."</p><p>McCoy nodded tersely and left. He walked quickly with his head down, hoping no one would notice him as he returned to the medbay.</p>
<hr/><p>McCoy sat in his chair, out of sight of whatever surveillance was in Spock's room. He'd sunk down, with his feet up on the edge of the chair and his knees bent in front of his chest. It made his back ache, but he felt safer like this somehow.</p><p>He held the hypospray in his hands. He'd found the cartridge for this particular chemical compound in the same place he kept it in his own medbay, a locked drawer in his office desk. It was a useful thing, but easily misused... Besides, Starfleet wasn't exactly thrilled that he kept a supply on him. He'd gotten a nasty write-up after he'd used it to save Kirk back on Vulcan.</p><p>He shuttered. He was saving Kirk again, in a way. This strange version of Kirk who, perhaps, didn't deserve to be saved.</p><p>He nearly jumped out of his skin when the door to Spock's quarters slid open, but it was only Spock. Of course it was. It was locked to anyone but the two of them.</p><p>Silently, Spock went to his panel and turned on the screen. "I take it from your behavior that you have an update."</p><p>"It'll happen at 1500 on the bridge. Tomorrow."</p><p>Spock blinked at him, then sank down to the chair at his desk. "Tomorrow."</p><p>McCoy watched Spock. If he didn't know better, he'd say Spock looked... nervous or guilty. "Don't tell me you're having second thoughts."</p><p>"No," Spock said immediately. "No, this is what must be done."</p><p>Uncertainty. McCoy could hear it clearly enough that he couldn't question it. He lowered his feet to the ground and sat up. "We can't go into this if you're not sure."</p><p>Spock furrowed his brow. "I am sure."</p><p>"The hell you are." McCoy carefully slid the hypospray into the alcove with his PADD and got to his feet. "I've known my Spock long enough that sometimes I can tell what he's feeling, even if he's pretending he doesn't feel anything. You're saying you want to change things, but deep down, there's part of you who just wants to keep things the way they are. There's part of you that's still loyal to him."</p><p>"Doctor..." Spock closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes again, something had changed. "You misread my... uncertainty. It is not regarding the Captain. It has to do with you."</p><p>McCoy blinked. "Me?"</p><p>"I am aware that you have requested that I leave your mind alone. However... I believe that we should mind meld once more."</p><p>McCoy took a step back. "No. I don't want anything to do with that."</p><p>Spock was suddenly on his feet, his dark eyes hidden by shadow. "I will allow you to see into my mind. Then, we will be equal."</p><p>"Equal?" McCoy stared at him in disbelief. "How would that make us equal? You can do anything you want. Show me anything you want. When you looked in my mind, you didn't care what I wanted you to see and what I didn't want you to see."</p><p>"I will show you everything that I can, Doctor." </p><p>Spock moved closer, and McCoy found he was backed up against the wall next to the chess board and the chair where he'd been trying to feel safe. "No," he said.</p><p>"I'm afraid it cannot be merely a request. I have been patient." He lifted his hand to touch McCoy's face. "Once I show you, you will understand."</p><p>McCoy was still shaking his head as Spock began to whisper, "My mind to your mind...."</p>
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